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These 852 Instagram photos from around the world all tell 1 story

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Eight hundred and fifty-two Instagrammers just helped make a short film—and there’s not one full-faced selfie among them.

French filmmaker Thomas Jullien pulled the photos from Instagram and turned it into a global showcase of the world in stop-motion form.

From Paris to Sydney, New York, and beyond, it’s putting some of the world’s most iconic sights on display—many of which we’re guilty of posting on Instagram at one point. With some action travel shots added in, it gives you the feeling of moving without going anywhere.

“I wanted to create structure out of this chaos,” Jullien wrote. “The result is a [crowdsourced] short film that shows the endless possibilities of social media.”

More and more filmmakers have been experimenting with Instagram lately. The first Instagram music video premiered on Vimeo last year, while another stop-motion short film captured the process within the confines of the mobile Instagram app.

H/T BuzzFeed | Photo via Vimeo


Spend 24 hours inside Pharrell Williams' new music video

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The song “Happy” could have just been a single from Despicable Me 2, the animated sequel scored by musician/producer Pharrell Williams. Instead, he turned it into the first 24-hour music video.

If you’ve had an ambient awareness of Williams in 2013, it might be because he co-wrote two of the year's biggest and most inescapable pop hits: “Get Lucky” and “Blurred Lines.” The man knows how to write a hook, and “Happy” is no different, but the soundtrack version of the song is completely recontextualized within the narrative confines of the video.

Williams collaborated with the Parisian duo We Are From L.A. to create the look and approach. Interaction with the video involves dialing around a digital clock, with noon, midnight, sunrise, and sunset as your guides. You can click on a specific time and see the performance from that moment, or to see Williams’ hourly takes, which are also marked on the clock. You can also comment on a particular scene, or share it on social media.

Some 400 people were cast to fill 24 hours worth of scenes across Los Angeles, including recognizable faces like Jimmy Kimmel and Despicable Me's Steve Carell, but Williams also asked for some diversity in casting: “We didn’t want to use models or caricatures. We wanted archetypes—people you’d walk past in a mall.”

There’s a straight four-minute version of the video on YouTube, but you’ll want to get into the guts of the interactive version.

Someone could, in theory, watch the entire 24-hour video in one sitting, but “Happy” works best in small doses. It's an addictive song, but now you’re in control of just how much it gets stuck in your head.

Screengrab via iamOTHER/YouTube

This 'Batkid Rises' trailer will make you tear up all over again

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One week ago, 5-year-old Miles Scott captured the hearts and eyes of the world, when the Make-A-Wish Foundation turned San Francisco into Gotham City for one glorious day, and Miles became Batkid. He fought the bad guys, saved Gotham, and our hearts collectively grew three times their size.

Now there’s a fan-made trailer for a fictional film called Batkid Rises, via YouTube's SandD2012, to make you choke up all over again. They even nail the Christopher Nolanesque aesthetic in the opening sequence.

Apparently Hans Zimmer, the maestro behind Inception and TheDark Knight Rises, wrote a theme song for Batkid, which has yet to be released. All the pieces for a full-fledged Batkid Rises movie are falling into place, but in the meantime, the Internet has given us this reminder of the power of good over evil.

Screengrab via SandD2012/YouTube

Preparing for 'The Day of the Doctor'

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BY RICHARD WHITTAKER

Fact: There are literally dozens of countries that didn't even exist when the first episode of Doctor Who aired in Great Britain. The map of the world has changed since the show started.

The seminal British TV show reaches its 50th anniversary this weekend with the broadcast of a new special, The Day of the Doctor. Finally, after years of teases, fans will find out what the Time War really was. They will see, for the first time since 1985's The Two Doctors, multiple incarnations of the Gallifreyan time-traveler share the screen in continuity. And they will see the continuation of a modern science-fiction mythology, longer lasting than any other of its space-borne siblings.

There is something quintessentially British about the show. It's not just where it's made. It's where it was forged. It's in the story telling, the sense of insularity and exploration, the unabashed intellectualism and the relentless optimism in a dark, unyielding cosmos. Most importantly, it looks on eccentricity as a qualification, not a burden. It's not for no reason that NBC sitcom Community lovingly spoofed it with the whimsical show-within-a-show Inspector Spacetime, and then bemoaned the threat of a tone-deaf U.S. remake.

My personal theory is that the Doctor is, in each incarnation, a different teacher at a mid-century British public school (which really means private school – don't ask). William Hartnell, who originated the character and played the role from 1963 to 1966, was the crusty, fussy, unquestionable school master, a Victorian relic with a sharp tongue and a kind heart. Patrick Troughton (1966–1969) was the deputy head, less practical, more puckish. Jon Pertwee (1970–1974) had the enthusiasm of a biology teacher, always poking at the intriguing and squishy. The Fourth Doctor, Tom Baker (1974–1981) was a classicist and the most literate. Peter Davison (1981–1984) was the cricket-loving geography teacher, fidgety and precise. The underrated Colin Baker (1984–1986) was the permanently enraged maths teacher who had expected to be a university lecturer and now was stuck with teenagers who couldn't do calculus without calculators. Sylvester McCoy (1987–1989) was the political scientist, trying to leaven the darkness with humor, but with flashes of steel underneath.

When the BBC revived the show briefly in in 1996, there was a sea change. Paul McGann's sole performance in a made-for-TV movie recast him as a smouldering, Byronic figure, Gothic and glowering. When the real cash came back for the 2005 revival, Christopher Eccleston followed his lead: His Doctor was a mad scientist, throwing caesium into the cosmic waters, just to see what happened. David Tennant (2005–2010) was a return to the literature department, the bookish, slightly foppish adventurer. And now Matt Smith (2010-2013) is the young drama teacher, trying to convince himself and his friends that bow ties and fezzes are cool.

And that is why you can hear the eye rolling from British people and committed Whovians any time someone refers to the Eccleston run as "season one."

Just as all students have their favorite teacher, everyone has their favorite Doctor. They say it's your first, and I'm just old enough remember Pertwee taking on giant maggots in The Green Death. But for me, it's Tom Baker all the way. The battered hat, the never-ending scarf, the grin that cracked wide as he baffled unstoppable foes with the offer of some Jelly Babies. He was unflappable, as at home facing down killer automata in Victorian London (Talons of Weng Chiang) as space faring lion men (Warrior's Gate). His fellow Time Lords regarded him as a useful menace, the troublemaker they could send to fix their problems. Throughout, he built the mood that, somehow, this would all end up for the best: that we, as a species, would learn something (without the occasional preachiness to which Star Trek was prone).

And soon comes Peter Capaldi, the erudite and aquiline Scot. What, we ask ourselves, will this sinister logician teach us?

The school master metaphor does have its limits. There's a popular misconception that Doctor Who was conceived as an educational show. That, week by week, the mysterious Doctor and his companions would travel to another historic period and try not to change the timeline too much. True, the time-traipsing hero and his ever-revolving coterie of companions visited the Aztecs and the Romans, Cro-Magnon tribes and Victorian tea rooms. But since the second story saw him go toe to axle with his perpetual nemeses, the Daleks, against a post-apocalyptic background, the SF element has always been there.

Not that the show has been a constant. It's actually been killed twice. First, in 1990, when the BBC decided just not to renew for a 27th season. Second, in 1996, when a one-off TV film failed to trigger a true regeneration.

But, like the Doctor himself, it never really died. Even when the BBC pulled the plug, there have been comics, radio dramas, oceans of fan fiction, and disc after disc of original plays on CD fromBig Finish. In part, they were the BBC's own fault. In the early days, copyright and ownership of characters was far more flexible than today's litigious era. Rather frustratingly for Auntie Beeb, they didn't own the rights to the Doctor's great nemesis, the Daleks. Writer Terry Nation did, and he would regularly flaunt that fact at the BBC's expense.

Part of the success and the reason for its diversity is that the time-and-space travelling concept underlying the show meant it could be anything, go anywhere. One week it would be high Gothic. The next, hardcore interstellar sci-fi. Following that would be an adventure with cavemen. It's a part of British lore that the only way to watch the show was hidden behind the sofa, yet many of the actors, like Pertwee and McCoy, came from a comedy background. Each incarnation rewrote the character, but remembered that he was a wanderer: Like the title of the first ever episode, he was "An Unearthly Child," shifting but strangely constant. No other show has ever been granted that flexibility. Even Star Trek, though it would boldly go, would always take the Enterprise with it. Its crew were on a mission of exploration. The Doctor was an explorer. A semantic difference, but vital.

The first show to not simply gloss over its revolving door casting, but to make a story point of it. Throughout it all, the Doctor has always been based around three simple truths. One, he doesn't fight. Two, he doesn't get romantically entangled with his assistants. Three, he's always the smartest being in the room.

Number two has become a little bit tricky in recent years. There was an undoubted hint of a three-way frisson between the Doctor, Captain Jack, and Rose in The Doctor Dances, but that was merely a gateway to the biggest problem with the newest incarnation. Tennant may have been phenomenally popular, and rightly so, but the soap opera elements of his relationship with Rose (Billie Piper) were the biggest misfire. Mercifully, when Smith took the controls of the TARDIS, normality was restored. His Doctor still had an emotional life, but – and here's the really important bit – it didn't involve humans. He still has two great loves – quasi-Time Lord River Song (Alex Kingston) and the TARDIS itself – but (as it was pointed out in earlier incarnations) dating a human would be weird. They are his friends, his companions, or, as one Time Lord glibly put it, his pets.

And this is where that first trait – the non-violence – comes into play. The Doctor is not a pacifist, per se, but a demigod, dabbling and deftly directing the affairs of other species: If monsters, whether human or alien, want to drive themselves to destruction, then he will not stand in their way. But the Doctor never pulls the trigger. Twice he had the chance to end the reign of tyranny and terror of the Daleks. In 1975's Genesis of the Daleks, the fourth Doctor recoils rather than destroy the original breeding chamber: He knows what they can do, but he cannot commit genocide. Then, a decade later, the fifth Doctor held a gun to the head of the creator of the murderous species, Davros, in Resurrection of the Daleks. Yet pulling the trigger is always against his better instincts.

That all changes this weekend. The BBC has explained this new non-Doctor, this warrior, in the brief short prequel Night of the Doctor. As the universe collapses in the Time War, the McGann incarnation realizes that a healer is not needed. he must become the great destroyer, stabilizing what it left of reality. He becomes the War Doctor (John Hurt, glimpsed briefly at the end of last year's Christmas special. And Hell followed with him.

But what the short really revealed is that, across those 50 years, tradition has survived. It's in the hints and references: The women who surround the Doctor are the Sisterhood of Karn, last seen in the seminal and creepy Brain of Morbius. Their voices have been heard in the dramas McGann has done for Big Finish, and in a further nod, the names he lists—Charley, C'rizz, Lucie, Tamsin, and Molly—were his companions on those adventures.

They are, like the Sontarans and sonic screwdrivers, a part of the history of the Doctor. And, after 50 years, the Doctor has to face everything he is not.

This article was originally published in the Austin Chronicle.

Watch Seinfeld2000's bizarre music video for Arcade Fire

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Crackhead Twitter historian @Seinfeld2000, the strange and wholly unidentified account devoted to conceiving demented new subplots for Salvador Dali–deformed iterations of Seinfeld’s four main characters, has turned a new leaf in the Internet archival system. He or she revealed himself or herself as a constructor of music videos culling extensive narratives from the classic NBC show alongside contemporary pop songs.

The first instance of this bizarre little combination tackles the subplot of George Costanza and Susan Ross, George’s great love interest, who finds herself betrothed to George despite the fact that George never really wanted to marry her in the first place. 

Stretched over six minutes, the narrative follows the two as they call their parents to share the good to news through George’s ill-fated attempts to push Susan away—remember when he took up smoking?—to that “restrained jubilation George showed on the night Dr. Wilcox told him Susan had passed. 

It all happens over the sounds of Arcade Fire’s “Here Comes the Night Time,” one of the more popular songs from this year’s Reflektor, an album that’s consumed 20-something pop culture for the fall months of 2013. Or as Seinfeld2000 put it, “‘Here Comes The Night Time’ video follow the tragic engagement of Garge and Suzette from Sienfeld.”

The video, of course, begs the question of “Why did @Seinfeld2000 create such a clip?” To that point, we carry no answer. An email tip sent from the creator this morning only states the obvious: that there’s a music, and that “the tragic engagement of Garge and Suzette” plays into the story primarily. 

In any event, it’s another indication that, when the aliens come to take us all away, they’ll realize that they’ve already had a foot on the ground around Earth for a while. @Seinfeld2000 is not of this land.

Photo via Seinfeld2000/Vimeo

Twitch casually puts a stop to couples livestreaming homemade porn

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Yesterday we reported on a bizarre but mostly just inevitable turn of events for the gaming world. A couple, via their Twitch-enabled PS4 and the game Playroom, which uses the PlayStation Eye camera to render one’s room a virtual environment, livestreamed themselves drinking on a couch until one of them passed out, only to be creepily undressed by the other.

A Redditor noticed that Twitch, a streaming video service that can also be accessed on the web, was banning anyone who broadcasted their Playroom experience at all. On the one hand, that made sense, as the original poster had just seen “a guy having sex with his partner on the couch.” But most Playroom livestreams were completely benign—featuring adorable families playing together—it’s just that what people said in the parallel chatrooms was appalling. In the course of just a week, this had become a favorite platform for trolls of all types.


 

Twitch, taking stock of a situation that both they and Sony would have done well to anticipate, reaffirmed its strict terms of service, adding another clause with some deliberate elasticity about it.

Twitch users are encouraged to record their exploits in games like World of Warcraft or Call of Duty—along with whatever they scream into their headsets, of course—but such livestreams do not involve turning the camera on oneself. Still, it’s a stretch to claim that nobody streaming Playroom is providing “gaming” content: most are just idly experimenting with the parameters of the game itself. Straddling the fence here would be The Spartan Show, a husband-and-wife call-in program that garnered 200,000 views over many hours—the pair did auction off their PS3 and speak with a PlayStation exec on the air, but they didn’t talk exclusively about gaming.

Either way, as Kotaku surmised, “Playroom could become shorthand for anything-goes behavior” if its sharing capabilities aren’t disabled, “similar to the notorious UNO on the Xbox 360, which offered camera support to show players and devolved into a parade of nudity.” Whatever happened to the stereotype of the introverted gamer? Nowadays it’s as if they’re bent on turning everything into ChatRoulette.

H/T Kotaku | Photo by X-Money/Flickr

Seth Rogen and James Franco remade 'Bound 2'

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Actor Seth Rogen caresses the head of James Franco as the two speed through the countryside on a motorcycle. Rogen is shirtless, horny, and hairy all over. Franco’s seething.

The two kiss hard.

No, this isn’t a piece of bad fanfiction. It’s a shot-for-shot remake of Kanye West’s “Bound 2” music video, and it’s amazing.

In “Bound 3,” Franco plays the role of West while Rogen plays Kim Kardashian, who is actually topless in the original video.

Franco posted the video on his Facebook page this afternoon where it has been pretty much unviewable because of all the traffic it’s receiving. Thankfully, someone uploaded it to YouTube.

And here’s the original “Bound 2” video. Who did it better?

H/T tallwhitney | Screenshot via YouTube

Rob Ford's bizarre saga gets even more bizarre with this porn parody

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Lee Roy Myers, the man behind WoodRocket.com’s Game of Thrones porn parody, has taken a break from spoofing television shows (Porks & Recreation, SpongeKnob SquareNuts), to invest his time in the "sex tape" no one ever wanted to see: The Rob Ford Sex Tape A Parody (NSFW).

But, deep down, we knew WoodRocket would tackle the embattled Toronto mayor’s headline-ready exploits, much like Ford tackles city council members. Myers, a Canadian, told us a bit about the creative process of making a Rob Ford porn parody, how to spoof a political scandal, and how he thinks Ford could get the help he needs.

Is this the first time you've parodied a politician?

It's the first time I've parodied a politician that is still in office. And a Canadian politician. And a politician with the greatest amount of scandals under his belt. And that says a lot, since WoodRocket also offers the movie Here Cums the President, which looks at the sex lives of past Presidents of the United States, like Washington, FDR, JFK, LBJ, Clinton, and Nixon. I co-directed that with Ronald Raygun.

Can you tell me how the idea came together, and where you found your bizarro Rob Ford?

Everyone is so excited to see the video of the Mayor of Toronto smoking crack, and whatever other videos the police have in their custody. At WoodRocket.com, we're hopeful that one of those videos also has Ford fornicating on them. Ford-icating. We're not excited to see him naked. We're just excited to see this bizarre political scandal get more bizarre. And what would be more bizarre than if he had recorded a celebrity sex tape?

The actor playing Rob Ford is our good friend, Peter O'Tool. Peter starred as Walter in my Big Lebowski parody and Vito "The Dong" Corleone in my Godfather parody. The guy is amazingly funny. I thought of him immediately. And he does not disappoint. Of course, his penis is played by pornstar Anthony Rosano.

Do you think Ford needs help, or should he just continue to be Rob Ford until he embraces a Howard Beale-esque public meltdown?

I think that Ford went Network on us a while ago. He has talked about vagina and crack and pushed elderly women and said "sorry" about a thousand times now. He probably needs to come to the realization that he has destroyed the credibility of his office. He needs help. And I'd like to see him get it. But I'd prefer that it be just as strange as the rest of his life.

For example, there was a Canadian television show called The Littlest Hobo. It's kind of like Benji. It's about a dog that goes from town to town helping people get out of bad situations. I think that that is the way I would like to see him get help.

Screengrab via WoodRocket.com


Weepy 'Family Guy' fans plead to bring #BringBackBrian

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It’s hard to imagine any aspect of long-running animated sitcom Family Guy having an impact on the cultural landscape of 2013. Yet somehow, against all odds and common sense, an Internet grassroots movement has emerged to demand the resurrection of Brian Griffin, the show’s wiseacre, martini-swilling dog, who died in Sunday night's episode.

Brian, who walked upright and was generally a cultured, “highbrow” counterpoint to the Griffin family’s barrage of idiocies, was struck by a car and replaced with a new dog, Vinny, in a production move intended to “shake things up.” Problem is, die-hard fans tend to prefer the status quo—and they let Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane, already a punching bag for the rest of the Internet, know it, often with the unequivocal hashtag #BringBackBrian but rarely with anything like tact.

As with any Family Guy development, one could also instantly draw an analogy to a far superior episode of The Simpsons—in this case, “The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show,” where a tone-deaf canine character, voiced by Homer, is added to a slumping cartoon-within-the-cartoon, only to be killed off to great acclaim when he fails to impress the show’s loyal viewers.

Incredibly, several petitions with the aim of reversing the creative decision to touch upon the realistic heartbreak of pet ownership have surfaced, most notably at Change.org. “Brian Griffin was an important part of our viewing experince,” wrote TV activist Aaron Thompson. “He added a witty and sophisticated element to the show. Family Guy and Fox Broadcasting will lose viewers if Brian Griffin is not brought back to the show.” 

More than 3,000 fans have registered their support so far, perhaps aware that in another era, public outcry brought the once-cancelled Family Guy itself back to Fox. Short of some horrible zombie or Frankensteinian contrivance, however, they’re not likely to get their way this time. Truly, if there’s anyone who’d mock so-called grownups for throwing tantrums about what happened on their favorite well-past-its-prime-if-it-ever-had-one cartoon, it’s Brian Griffin.

Update: While most fans continue to mourn their favorite collared cad, others have found hope in a countdown website, briansannouncement.com, unveiled some time after Sunday’s fateful episode. While the site appears to tease a a Brian-centric prequel series, producers have confirmed that the site is a hoax

Photo by “N.”/Flickr

Can a game show about the Web actually work on TV?

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@Midnight is striving to do the impossible: take an Internet audience back to TV with a game show about Web culture. And so far, it’s actually working.

Hosted by Nerdist kingpin Chris Hardwick and produced by Funny or Die, the Comedy Central program mines the best aspects of the Web—memedom, YouTube’s virality, celebrity Twitter, and podcast’s topicality—and turns them into a contest where, unlike Klout, the points actually do kind of matter. It’s like Who’s Line Is it Anyway? but for the Tumblr crowd.  

The show features three comedians or celebrities competing on a Jeopardy-style set in different categories of recent Internet knowledge.

At the taping last Tuesday the contestants were YouTube star Grace HelbigDaily Show correspondent and podcaster John Hodgman, and standup comedian Kurt Braunohler, and at one point, they had to guess whether an obscured item in the background of regular people’s Instagram photos was “creepy” or “cute?” One shot turned out to be a man dressed as Donald Duck hidden in a shot of a strip club.


Like the Internet, the show moves quickly to stay relevant. The goal’s to stay current despite the six-hour span between when the show finishes taping and when it airs at midnight. But on the Internet, six hours is like 60 years: a lot can happen. So writers often update information throughout the taping, rewriting on the spot, an act that allows the show to reference a meme that broke online that day or include an inane celebrity tweet from that morning.

@Midnight tapes Monday through Thursday in Hollywood and only takes an hour to finish. Hardwick mugs for the audience, doing bits in-between filming. Comedian Brody Stevens does a great job keeping the intimate studio entertained. Attendees can often meet the show’s guests outside afterward. It’s all very fun and interactive.

It helps that @midnight, as its name suggests, is super active on Twitter. The show’s interactive hashtag game, in particular, has flooded feeds with comedians and regular people vying to get a tweet shown on TV by tweeting @midnight. In doing so, viewers, and the show’s guests, take what they learned from the Web that day, and add to it, rather than just regurgitate it.


@Midnight’s success in the past month’s trial period might be the answer to television’s ever-failing ratings—Business Insider just named 2013 “the worst year for TV” in terms of ratings—and the prominence of online streaming sites like Netflix, Hulu Plus, and Amazon Prime.

It’s inexpensive, appeals to a young male demographic, and like Key and Peele’s videos and segments of Daily Show with Jon Stewart and the Colbert Report, which @midnight follows, it plays well both on air and online. Last week, Comedy Central gave the show a 40-week pickup based on its immediate popularity.

“We’re amazed at how quickly ‘@midnight’ has resonated with our fans,” Comedy Central’s Kent Alterman told Deadline Hollywood. He cheekily added: “If the Internet catches on and social media becomes a part of pop culture, we think we’ll really have something here.”

Isn’t Comedy Central just taking parts of the Internet—free content created by others funnier than the company itself—and repackaging it for a profit on TV? Yes. And it’s surprisingly entertaining.  

Screengrab via Comedy Central

Everything you thought you knew about Thanksgiving is a lie

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Happy Thanksgiving, Americans! Did you know that pilgrims never wore those little hats? Do you feel as betrayed as we do? Is everything you knew about Thanksgiving a lie? Pretty much, as Vlogbrother and general all-around debunker John Green tells us in a special holiday video for Mental Floss.

It takes a YouTube celebrity as affable as John Green to break the terrible news to us about our favorite culinary holiday. In “25 Little-Known Facts About Thanksgiving,” Green takes us on a dizzying reminder that history never happens quite the way we tell ourselves. Sure, Thanksgiving probably started in 1621 with a three-day fest hosted by the Pilgrims, but no one ate turkey or wore buckles, and Native Americans may not even have shown up.

Popcorn wasn’t even a peaceful gift shared between Native Americans and colonists. And although harvest-time festivals were celebrated around the colonies, it took nearly 250 years and the efforts of a Thanksgiving zealot named Sarah Hale (who incidentally wrote the nursery rhyme “Mary Had a Little Lamb”) to spur President Lincoln into making it a national holiday.

Is there no truth to the lie of Thanksgiving?

Nope. Just wait til you hear what you should be eating instead of turkey and cranberry sauce.

Green, the award-winning Young Adult novelist and Nerdfighter, cut his teeth writing at Mental Floss, which specializes in dispensing humorous, little-known factoids. He’s been hosting videos on its YouTube channel since March. In this video, as in others, he punctuates his facts with a “science” experiment, in this case attempting to eat a slice of bread with a knife and spoon.

Why? Forks hadn’t been invented yet.

“So this year I challenge you to celebrate like real Pilgrims and share a lovely meal of passenger pigeon with your family on Thanksgiving,” deadpans Green.

Too bad they’re extinct.

Just like all your Thanksgiving illusions.

Screengrab via YouTube

What's the deal with these 'Seinfeld' parodies?

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BY NICK DOUGLAS

There’s supposed to be a rule that you can’t parody something that’s already funny. But it’s not impossible—it’s just harder. If you want to parody Seinfeld, for instance, you’ll need to come at it from a whole different angle. And if you want to parody a parody of Seinfeld, you have to get weird.

While the Modern Seinfeld Twitter account is a mass hit with 653,000 followers and a TV job for one of its writers, its parody @Seinfeld2000 enjoyed media success without cracking 25,000 followers. @Seinfeld2000 challenges the reader with antihumor and emergent comedy tropes (like the misspellings and script-like narration common in Weird Twitter). Some popular tweets:

The account is mainly a parody of Modern Seinfeld (which @Seinfeld2000 derides as mere pastiche, not parody), and partly a parody of Seinfeld—humor arising from cleverly reinterpreting classic Seinfeld jokes to make new punchlines—but it’s also a parody of all mainstream Internet humor, which tends to lean on topicality, nostalgia, and relatability rather than actual jokes.

It’s also a prolonged character bit. The author told Muck Rack, “There’s something very funny to me about the character running @Seinfeld2000 who’s extremely irate and just can’t let it go.”

I asked him about this quote. He replied:

"Sadly, I think the division between the 'character' I'm writing as and myself has started to erode. Now maybe it's just me who can't let it go. But that's only because people who follow @Seinfeld2000 are so enthusiastic about it! [...] People are, like, really invested in it, which I think is incredible, and it pushes me to keep trying to be funny and keep it interesting. And keeping it interesting is really the challenge— because at the end of the day, this is a one-note joke. The joke is: a deranged person is obsessed with the question 'what if Seinfeld was still on TV'. That's it. But I want to play that note on every instrument available. I'll play it in every octave, I'll play it flat, sharp, in every harmony and chord, I am going to play the shit out of this one fucking note."

“Every instrument” includes an in-character Reddit AMA, a narrated microsite, and a set of mashup T-shirts that will terrify anyone still worried about “hipsters.” It also includes an ebook, The Apple Store, a bestseller at Smashwords before Warner Brothers shut it down and Gawker serialized it.

The novel is written fully in character, but it expands past jokes and metajokes into some actual pathos, as the character satirizes both the BuzzFeed-driven world of clickbait and the Olds who fear they will be pushed out by the millennials who seem to be in charge of the culture around them. The four Seinfeld characters are lost and scared in the modern world, jealous of those who have adapted to it—a heightening of the social anxiety in the original Seinfeld, made freshly funny because it’s unfunny.

Middle-aged Jerry is a struggling has-been whose Warren Beatty-style sex history is embarrassing, not impressive. Elaine is struggling to stay relevant in a business dominated by TV recaps and listicles. Kramer is a racist who screams at black teens. George, finally released from prison for his fiancée’s murder, falls for Lena Dunham, the most obvious symbol of millennial youth and “buzz.” In this grittier version of “no hugs, no learning,” we see the consequences of these sociopaths’ lives, and the shock of these consequences makes us laugh. Parodists like @Seinfeld2000 understand that the original show’s innovations have become the default for comedy, enabling current comedians to develop far more challenging work.

The narrator also earns our scorn and pity. He’s so racist and reactionary that he invents a subplot about an insane Muslim Obama (“Barry Obame”). He has a poor grasp of English—simulated not just with constant misspellings of even the main characters’ names, but a patois of poor storytelling full of asides to the reader, like “If you havent guest by now” and “I'm not gonna beat around the bush here.” The style matches troglodyte fanfic like the infamous “Christian Humber Reloaded” or “DOOM: Repurcussions of Evil,” and it’s built as smartly as the ESL passages of Everything Is Illuminated.

You can imagine a disgusting redneck grandpa actually writing this novella on his Dell as a scathing satire of the Youngs and the Liberals. @Seinfeld2000 (he remains anonymous) says he actually wrote it on an old laptop that couldn’t go online:

"It sort of helped me to get into the character of the author, a crazy person hammering away on an obsolete laptop, disconnected from the world... I wrote the book in one week, waking up earlier than usual—I'd drink a Red Bull at like 6am and just start typing away, go to work, come home, and then continue until I was too tired to go on."

He told me he may find more outlets for the @Seinfeld2000 character, but he’d like to try something new.

"I'd probably keep an eye out for new trends and try to hop on one of those. There are a lot of horrible 'inspirational' Twitter accounts that are so stupid but SO popular, and the avatar is Wiz Khalifa and they tweet bullshit all day like (just pulling this out of my ass here) 'When you find the one you love, make sure the one you love is also the one you trust.' Things that sound kind of profound but are completely vacuous and get thousands of retweets from dumb teenagers. Or maybe I'd make up a politician or something."

@Seinfeld2000 is not the first Seinfeld parody based on absurdity, antihumor, and angst. It’s part of a small accidental tradition: separate creators who independently discovered the same general way to do to Seinfeld what Seinfeld did to sitcoms.

When Modern Seinfeld showed up, it frustrated Josh Crowley, who with Tom Appleton had been tweeting and tumbling fake Seinfeld plots since 2011 at Seinfelt.Tumblr.com and @JerrySeinfelt. Together they’ve published over 800 plots.

Early plots were simple, tweet-length, and often could have described real shows. June 29, 2011’s entry is “The Alliance”:

Kramer declares his apartment a commonwealth nation to avoid paying taxes. Elaine goes on a blind date with someone who ends up being another woman. Jerry and Newman strike an uneasy alliance against Kramer.

The plots stayed only slightly heightened from actual Seinfeld plots. January 16, 2012, “The Bird Feeder,” was pure pastiche:

George takes a new job at New York City’s largest real estate firm, and finds himself inappropriately dressed after incorrectly assuming the company had a “Casual Fridays” policy. Elaine believes it’s possible for a woman to suffer something akin to erectile dysfunction, which she terms “Feminine Failure.” With the onset of winter, Kramer feels great concern for the ducks in Central Park, buying a grocery store’s entire inventory of bread and tossing it at the birds. He is greatly disturbed when pigeons try to get in on the action and fights them off. After Jerry’s agent tells him he needs to be writing edgier material, he uncomfortably tries to decide whether to write about domestic abuse, the Catholic Church, or racial epithets. Uneasy with all of these, he panics onstage and abandons his prepared material, unsuccessfully ad-libbing something about how Chileans are always so cold before he descends into stream-of-consciousness obscenities.

But on Feb. 1, 2012, with “The Novel,” the entries started getting some distinct character:

As George Costanza awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic insect. “Aren’t you going to swim?” Kramer asked. Jerry shook his head. “I can’t swim. I wasn’t allowed. My asthma—” “Sucks to your ass-mar!” And then Elaine asked him with her eyes to ask again yes and then he asked her would she yes and his heart was going like mad and yes she said yes I will Yes.

From here on, Seinfelt got heavy with literary references. From June, “The Passion”:

Three times, George denies that he knows Jerry. Kramer walks out onto his fire escape and, acquiescing to the crowd, gives them Newman. Elaine weeps at Jerry’s feet. Jerry’s last words during a set are, “WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!” and the audience goes wild.

From October, “The Deal”:

Elaine’s wings melt when she flies too close to the sun. “Unbelievable!” she exclaims. “I purposely bought wings that weren’t made of wax!” After getting cursed by a witch, Kramer comes down with a condition that makes him speak backwards. To communicate, he must tape record everything he wants to say, then play it in reverse. George keeps blanking out on what happens to him between the hours of 9pm and 10pm. He presumes he’s just zoning out while watching reruns of Greatest American Hero, until weeks later, when he finds a diary in his own spidery handwriting that intricately details the nightmares he’ll have that night. The devil returns to collect on his half of the deal with Jerry.

From November, “The Difference Between Fichte’s and Schelling’s Systems of Philosophy”:

An obnoxious audience member keeps shouting Jerry’s punchlines before he can, causing Jerry to try to recite his jokes as quickly as possible. Elaine brings a strange, spiky fruit over to Jerry’s apartment, but upon cutting it open, the odor leads them to suspect that her greengrocer may be trying to kill her. Kramer argues that he can’t be understood outside the context of dialectics with a solid understanding of Descartes and Hume, if not Leibniz as well, and if one isn’t familiar with the German language then one might as well cling to pantheistic mysticism rather than explore a more rationalistic understanding of self-consciousness. He becomes distracted from his diatribe by the “sweet, sweet smell of durian.” George suffers a string of sexual encounters that each end with the sheets covered in his partner’s blood — at first menstrual, then worse.

For the following year, the plots have remained surreal. In “The Paper Cut,” Jerry’s Superman figurine comes to life. In “The Sunset,” Kramer’s body mutates like a lengthening shadow. In “The Children’s Television Workshop,” a nightmare version of Sesame Street takes over the show. In “The Eusocials,” the entire cast are bees. In many entries, guest characters (especially Jerry’s girlfriends) disappear in mysterious ways.

The surrealism is often borrowed from literature and philosophy, and it often satirizes an actual aspect of Seinfeld or of the actors’ later lives and work. (Elaine, for example, pretends to be blind.) Tom tells me in an email interview, “My favorite posts are the ones where I start with an idea, like, ‘What if someone's physical size grew like their ego,’ and go from there.”

Crowley said:

"Sometimes I do adaptations of other stories, like in the Beauty and the Beast one or the Crisis one, and I know Tom did one based on 'Bartleby, the Scrivener.' It's really interesting trying to recontextualize the iconic Seinfeld characters into other well-known settings. We try to stay as true to the characters as possible, but we've also added some of our own recurring attributes that sort of caricaturize their original personalities. Lately we've been playing with the format a little, too. Tom did one that was structured as a play written in iambic pentameter, and I had one that was just the word 'the', based on one of Kramer's plots from over a year ago."

They find it flattering when others write in their style. “We got mentioned once for a Yahoo article,” Appleton said, “and the author mentioned our blog as a sort of modern folklore—the characters are known by everyone, the difference being the authors' interpretations. I thought that was spot-on.”

While both of the previous projects are impressive, the towering classic of weird Seinfeld parody is the 2010 Vimeo series “The Jerry Seinfeld Program.” Comedians Arthur Meyer and Dan Klein play George and Jerry in a greenscreen of Jerry’s apartment. At first they simply parody Seinfeld’s goofy banter:

“Dan and I came up with the idea for ‘The Jerry Seinfeld Program’ when I was having trouble opening a can of beans in our apartment,” Meyer explained. “Dan was with me, and we started pretending to be Jerry and George, I think for no reason other than that it just was fun. That is the closest to the actual ‘Seinfeld’ that we ever got.”

But things get weird.

You can read the most disgusting, spooky, or mindbending words, and it won’t match the shivering thrill of watching two men act fearlessly stupid while staring through the screen at you.

They apply this same freak-out method to an unusually effective fourth-wall break:

Klein recognizes the tonal shift.

“The show is pretty polarizing,” he said. “It starts off as a straight parody and people tend to like that because they understand it. Impressions are funny to a lot of people. When Jerry and George start losing their minds though and are talking about God or measuring their penises or yelling at the studio audience, that's when people have to think if they wanna keep watching. I WOULD!”

The last several episodes get serial as it’s revealed that in this world, “Seinfeld” is still on the air after 21 years, no one likes it, and George and Jerry feel unfulfilled.

From that point, things get dark.

Incredibly dark. Devoid of dignity.

This is not the kind of comedy that gets a CBS sitcom deal. But it’s brave and it’s bracing. It impressed comedians like CollegeHumor’s Amir Blumenfeld (whose name peppers the series’ Vimeo comments), and I’m sure I’m not the only person who fell in love with Klein and Meyer because of it.

Klein’s origin story goes a little differently than Meyer’s:

“The inspiration for ‘The Jerry Seinfeld Program’ started with Arthur and me just joking around about really weird or violent episodes of Seinfeld, like if the show somehow got to that point,” Klein said. “The one example I remember was Arthur acting as George saying, ‘I raped her Jerry!’ It was so over-the-top and gruesome that I couldn't help laughing. Those jokes went on for years until we realized we could potentially turn it into something. ...

“I think we were both a little sick of trying to come up with clever sketches to try to make some kind of splash in the comedy scene. We needed a break. The more and more we talked about those weird Seinfeld episodes (I think the original title was ‘Seinfeld Episodes That Just Missed the Mark,’ like they were cut episodes), the less thinking we did. The whole idea was that the show had jumped the shark and become really bad, so it allowed us to shut our brains off, which was a huge relief. Imagine if these great writers ran out of ideas. What would a delusional, psychopathic Jerry Seinfeld write about? That was a lot more fun than than just the idea of more episodes of Seinfeld.”

Much like @Seinfeld2000, this is a story about corrupted creative minds.

“Secretly, the show really is about me and Arthur (aside from the fact that Jerry and George acting crazy is funny to think about),” Klein said. “It was made by two 25-year-old guys who were recognizing that we are going to die one day. It was about the fear of not being good at what we wanted to be (comedians). It was about the fear of running out of ideas. Rather than do a web series about two 25-year-old white guys in Brooklyn though, we went this route. I'm not even sure we realized some of these things as we were writing them, but the feelings were there. And making the videos was definitely cathartic.

“There's something fun about taking a familiar, beloved thing and playing with it and kind of destroying it. It's a little sadistic, but it's fun. It's like playing with action figures. Plus, who cares? Seinfeld is still a great show.”

So to truly honor a great work of comedy, you have to violate its corpse, and do so very precisely, like a serial killer. You have to show that you have no pretense of doing the work’s job better than it did itself, but that you will make something new using the material. Otherwise you’re mucking around in pastiche.

I’d love to characterize these weird Seinfeld parodies as a “movement,” but there’s no collaboration. Each was created without the knowledge of the others. None of the creators I talked to could name another strong Seinfeld parody outside the ones discussed above. (The closest anyone could think of was Welcome to Night Vale, which is more accessibly weird, and has been iTunes’ no. 1 comedy podcast for months.)

It might be more impressive than a unified movement, that when smart comedians wanted to parody a popular show, they all independently found the same strategy: Be sharper and weirder, and alienate mainstream audiences. This will keep you from relying on cliché, and it will earn respect from other comedians. Larry David doesn’t think Modern Seinfeld is funny, but I’d bet even money he’d laugh at these three parodies.

Lady Gaga and Joseph Gordon-Levitt turn up the heat on a holiday classic

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We have at least 8 reasons to love last night’s Lady Gaga & the Muppets’ Holiday Special, and none of them have to do with Muppets.

No, the highlight of what was a pretty blatant cross-marketing gimmick for Gaga’s current album ARTPOP and the Muppets’ upcoming film Muppets Most Wanted had nothing to do with Jim Henson and everything to do with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who took the stage in a surprise duet with Gaga to sing the holiday classic “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”

The first thing JGL and Gaga did right? Change the roles of the singers. The Oscar-winning Frank Loesser number, originally written for Loesser's wife, walks a fine line between a tastefully charming seduction and a potentially skeevy situation where a girl is trying to get away from a guy who won’t stop pressuring her. To fix this, Gaga took the lead, and Gordon-Levitt played a guy who’s clearly already decided to stay.

The second thing has to be the miracle of JGL’s wardrobe, which unironically includes a top hat, cane, and mismatched patterned holiday socks. Only an entertainer as awkwardly sincere as JGL could pull off a combination like this without becoming camp—but it helps that Gaga is casually undressing him all the while. That brings us to the third best thing about this duet. To quote another Loesser lyric: Chemistry? Yeah, chemistry.

Fans already knew JGL could sing—we’ve seen him perform an epic swing duet with Zooey Deschanel, along with countless other musical performances as part of his creative social platform HitRECord.

But there are still plenty of surprises in last night’s performance to make this Oscar-winning classic feel fresh and sultry all over again—enough to warm us up on a cold winter night.

Screengrab via YouTube

Spike Lee denies ripping off 'Oldboy' poster artist

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Spike Lee has responded to a designer who accused the director of ripping off his artwork for Oldboy, Lee’s latest film.

Lee took time Thanksgiving morning to send out the following tweet to address an open letter Juan Luis Garcia posted Wednesday on his personal site.

Garcia claimed that an advertising agency working on Lee’s new movie hired him to create posters. The job ended up being one of the “worst experiences” of his life, with the agency (which Garcia declined to name in the letter and a subsequent interview with the Hollywood Reporter) harassing him for two months while he worked. In the end, Garcia received an “insultingly low offer” for his work. 

“But they said that the important thing wasn’t the money it was the exposure and potential for more work,” Garcia wrote. “After thinking about it long and hard I had to decline. I tried to negotiate but they refused. I make the same amount of money in a single day as a photo assistant as what they offered and I had worked on these almost exclusively for two months.”

Garcia was never paid for the work he did. But he claims that didn’t stop Lee’s company, 40 Acres and a Mule Filmworks, from posting Garcia’s work on its Facebook page (the post is no longer on the site).  

Garcia’s letter was the subject of at least three different Reddit threads imploring Lee to “do the right thing” (a reference to his 1989 film of the same name). But some redditors put down their pitchforks and tried to put the incident into perspective.

“It's an agency of Spike Lee that has done this not Spike Lee himself,” illuzn commented. “The designer says as much in his open letter. I suspect the agency was playing both sides i.e. charge Spike Lee an arm and a leg for this while screwing the designer and paying him nothing.”

Redditors also took issue with Lee’s Oldboy, a remake of Park Chang-wook’s 2003 film.

Both films tell the story of a man hell bent on revenge after being held captive in a hotel room. According to an AMA (“ask me anything”) Lee did Aug. 9, Chang-wook told him to “make your own film, don't remake ours.” Aside from the fact that the man in Chang-wook’s film is held for 15 years and Lee’s for 20, the premise is nearly identicall. Check out the movie trailers for each film and make your own decision.

Lee’s Oldboy was released Wednesday and has received mixed reviews. On Metacritic, a review aggregator, it scored 50 out of 100. 

If you have seen the earlier version, you can occupy yourself with point-by-point comparisons,” the New York Times’s A.O. Scott wrote in his review. “If not, you may find yourself swerving between bafflement and mild astonishment, wondering how a movie that works so hard to generate intensity and surprise can feel so routine and bereft of genuine imagination.”

In comparison, Chang-wook’s Oldboy holds a 74 rating on Metacritic.

Photo via Facebook

Would you watch the Rob Ford webseries?

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Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and his brother, Councillor Doug Ford, are taking transforming their former TV show into a webseries. 

Doug Ford sat down for an interview with local radio station CFRB 1010 Thursday night and revealed that they had received pitches from “everyone from Oprah to Dr. Phil” about making a reality show.

Instead, they decided to do it themselves. 

The new series, called Ford Nation, will feature Rob and Doug discussing topics openly in a talk show format and is set to premiere sometime before Christmas.

“I want it to look professional, but simple... like Rob and I,” Doug said. “The lovers are going to follow it, and the haters are going to follow it.”

The brothers had previously hosted a radio program on CFRB 1010 called The City with Mayor Rob Ford, which aired weekly until Mayor Ford admitted to smoking crack cocaine on Nov. 5.

They’ve named their new series after their previous foray into TV, a weekly one-hour program produced by Sun News Network. The one and only episode of Ford Nation aired on Nov. 18. It was canceled less than 24 hours later, despite record ratings for the network.

According to Sun News vice president Kory Teneycke, the economics of the show didn’t work, and just one episode used as “as many resources as we would use for 8 hours of daytime programming.”

This time around, the Ford brothers are funding everything out of their own pocket.

H/T National Post | Photo via HiMY SYeD/Flickr


The best new music of 2013: A 31-hour Spotify playlist

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BY RAMON RAMIREZ

Every credible year-end music list will be topped by Yeezus. It’s not close: Chris Richards of the Washington Post wrote a defiant position paper against Arcade Fire’s self-serious double LP, Reflektor—thereby opening up a black hole of influential dissenters. This year we also lost Lou Reed, the surly king of New York City cool, and Reed really dug Yeezus. Kanye West may have gone too far with the late-breaking, absurd, you-can’t-be-serious video for “Bound 2,” but the critical press is united.

It helps that Yeezus is a modern masterpiece. The best parts are seconds-long asides: Kid Cudi’s dying breath repetition of the sentence, “If you love me so much then why’d you let me go?”; Charlie Wilson’s love in the club bridge; Justin Vernon’s filthy innuendo on “I’m in It.” It’s a recording designed to have songs bleed into one another. The kind of work where you go: “Wait, how is this already track nine?”

A 10-song, 40-minute ride, Yeezus might be the best album of the on-demand Spotify age.

When our Facebook-based pool of music nerds convened for last year’s 24-hour, 360-song, best of 2012 playlist, it took the collective think tank several days to reach 360. This year, we got to 500 tracks in one weekend. That’s a credit to Spotify, which makes it ridiculously easy to keep a running tab of music that you like. When it’s time to reference standouts, you just search up and down your list of playlists. Well-realized apps from taste-imposing entities like Pitchfork and Fader make it cake for users to skip reviews altogether, look at a rating, and decide for themselves if it’s any good.

Personally, 2013 was a rebuilding year. I moved from Washington, D.C. to Austin, Texas, and switched careers. It’s why Long Player 2013 originally began on a bit of a melancholy note, with emotive wizardry from Gold Panda and Mavis Staples. But then the thread told me to lighten up and make it a party. HAIM’s bulletproof “Falling” is now our Side A, Track 1.

We tried to stick to the rules: No more than three songs per artist, unless that artist is Drake and the guest features that he loves. Consensus favorites included A$AP Rocky, Parquet Courts, Arctic Monkeys, Unknown Mortal Orchestra, Washed Out, Sky Ferreira, Juicy J, and Rhye. Also like three dudes included Kurt Vile’s 10-minute shower timer, “Wakin’ On a Pretty Day.” No one fought for Robin Thicke.

Trimmed to 450 songs, the mix spans hip-hop, indie rock and its sub-genres, metal, electronic, and country, but it ends with the one album we’ll be coming back to for years to come: Yeezus

Thanks to mix contributors Tara Seetharam, John Bradley, Josh Bradshaw, Patrick Caldwell, TJ Finley, Jim Hill, Blake Hurtik, John Meller, Andy O’Connor, Austin Powell, Robert Rich, Taylor Steinberg, Natalia Teresa, Harrison Yeager, and Jeremy Hurd. 

Listen to Grimes's 'greatest songs of all time' immediately

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Claire Boucher, a.k.a. Canadian pop star Grimes, has just given us the best Monday gift ever. She posted a list of the “greatest songs of all time” to her Tumblr today, and it’s a good, weird list, but also fairly representative of her sound and aesthetic.

Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game,” the entirety of Portishead’s Dummy, Dolly Parton’s “Jolene,” all of "Swan Lake," Beyoncé, Enya, Tool, Mazzy Star, and Patsy Cline are all represented, and she’s rightfully highlighted only Nicki Minaj’s verse on “Monster.” What we wouldn’t give for a Grimes/Dolly Parton duet. Or a Nicki collab.

There are also some fairly obscure references, like the soundtrack for the movie Ghost in the Shell. Grimes’s love of anime figured prominently in the video for “Genesis.” But this typo really ties the list together:

“nin march of the pigs? closer?  haha i wrote march of the pugs at first by accident and erased it but i like the idea of march of the pugs.”

Never forget: Grimes loves pugs. So far she has 65 songs, but claims she might be adding more. This would make a really good playlist, right? Well, here it is in Spotify form—minus the tracks that weren't available on Spotify. 

Screengrab via GrimesVEVO/YouTube

Here's the Taylor Swift–Mountain Goats mixtape you never knew you needed

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The Mountain Goats have devoted fans. So does Taylor Swift. So what happens when those fandoms overlap?

A Tumblr user named supercherie put together a list of Mountain Goats and Taylor Swift songs that complemented one another, and labeled it a “conceptual mixtape”:

1. you were cool/mean

2. no children/we are never ever getting back together

3. you or your memory/all too well

4. international small arms traffic blues/dear john

5. balance/sad beautiful tragic

6. old college try/love story

7. this year/fifteen

This actually makes sense, as both acts incorporate themes of love and longing into their lyrics. John Darnielle, Mountain Goats’ frontman and keeper of one of the most entertaining accounts on Twitter, took to his Tumblr after reblogging the post:

people were telling me about this on Twitter so I made a mix of it minus You Were Cool because I don’t have any recordings of that* and it’s fun. both artists would be well served by more shredding guitar solos but I am sure they are both working on it. I am attaching a trigger warning to the song “Mean” because it made me cry.

He added that he could probably find a version of “You Were Cool,” but that the song “is for playing in rooms with people in them who are listening while I’m singing in the present moment.”

And then the mix ended up on Rdio, minus “You Were Cool.” It’s actually pretty seamless.

Darnielle is open-minded about the current pop-music landscape: Earlier this year, he defended even Justin Bieber in song. Someone needs to make a SwiftGoats Christmas album happen. Perhaps a role-reversed, feminist recontextualization of "Baby It's Cold Outside"?

Want more mixes? We’re in the mood for ’em. Here’s a 31-hour best of 2013 playlist, and Grimes’s “greatest songs of all time.”

Photo via Eva Rinaldi/Flickr

Why 'Frozen' and 'Catching Fire' won't do much for women in Hollywood

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It’s time we developed a name for that thing Hollywood keeps doing. From here on out, I’m calling it the Exclusion Myth.

The Exclusion Myth is a longstanding notion in Hollywood that boys won’t go see movies about girls. In fact, many Hollywood screenwriters are actively taught not to pass the Bechdel Test, an unofficial baseline measurement for whether movies contain multiple female characters with agency whose parts don’t revolve around the actual, male stars of the movie.

More and more, recent cinema outings are tackling the Exclusion Myth head on. November’s box office has proved the biggest blow to the line of rhetoric that women don’t sell in box office history, with both Catching Fire and Disney’s Frozen, two squarely female-dominated films, breaking the 14-year-old record held by the first Harry Potter flick. This comes after a year that’s seen multiple female-led vehicles succeed at the box office, particularly buddy-cop comedy The Heat and sci-fi drama Gravity, both featuring Sandra Bullock.

But despite all of these recent proofs to the contrary, the Exclusion Myth persists—and it has jawdropping nonmythical real-life repercussions for actual women within the industry.

In honor of the success of the record-breaking holiday release of Catching Fire, the Hunger Games sequel that just scored a blazing $300 million over two weekends, the New York Film Academy has released a comprehensive and staggering infographic about gender inequality in Hollywood. Cleanly dispensing dozens of facts, the graph proves just how pervasive systemic inequality is for women in Hollywood, both fictional and real.

The graph examines the top 500 grossing films produced over the last five years in Hollywood. The results reveal stark correlations between the objectification of women on screen and their lack of power, both as characters and behind the camera. Only 10 percent of movies featured an equal number of women on-screen, and only a miniscule 20 percent of jobs within the industry have gone to women in filmmaking. Only 31 percent of all speaking characters in film are women—and a third of female characters who speak have to take their clothes off at some point. 

With this kind of limitation in screenwriting, it’s hardly a surprise that when women are given the chance to write and direct, representation of female characters goes up. A pity, then, that women sell their original scripts far less often than men.

The graphic points to Kathryn Bigelow’s historic Oscar win for Best Director in 2010, in which she became the first woman in history to win the award for The Hurt Locker after only three other women had been nominated. But it also notes that this year no women were nominated in any major creative category: Directing, Cinematography, Film Editing, Writing (for Original Screenplay), or Music. Then there’s the fact that despite the Academy’s recent election of its first African-American female president, 77 percent of all Oscar voters are male. No wonder the average age of female Best Actress winners skews eight years younger than their male counterparts. 

Both Catching Fire and Frozen received highlyfavorable reviews from critics and audiences, and already discussion has turned to the hope that such films can change the way Hollywood thinks about gender. But both of these films relied heavily on the action component of their storylines to launch a “broad” appeal to audiences. Frozen in particular was widely criticized for a marketing campaign that did everything it could to depict the movie as a screwball comedy with male animal characters, appropriate for young boys. Its opening trailer didn’t even show either of its two female leads. If Frozen’s success teaches Hollywood anything, it’s likely to be that such disingenuous marketing campaigns actually work, not that they’re harmful.

Sadly, Frozen isn’t alone. The golden demographic in Hollywood is that of the young male moviegoer, ages 18 to 23. This is by far the most highly valued demographic even though women and girls of all ages purchase 50 percent of all movie tickets in the United States. But it’s easy to see that the films that receive the biggest marketing, and then go on to do best at the box office, are the films that have the hallmarks of rowdy boy appeal: action, male heroes, and of course, lots of explosions. Modern audiences also tend to value these kinds of films more highly than films with traditionally less “masculine” themes. Not to mention that the majority of the most critically acclaimed films of all time depict women as either sexual and creative muses for the men around them, or tragic figures with little if any agency over their own lives.

Many critiques of the film industry have ripped apart the damaging feedback loop at work in the Exclusion Myth’s assumption that women won’t sell films. When film producers believe writing roles for women will damage the film’s success, then films with women tend to spend a lot of time attempting to excuse itself for having a female character as the lead. This is why the sci-fi Aeon Flux skewered its own adapted plot with an invented love story, and why romantic comedies like This Means War and The Bounty Hunter styled themselves more as action films then romances. When films that suffer from these kinds of apologetic filmmaking attempts subsequently fail, as Aeon Flux famously did despite having a female director, then the takeaway for producers generally tends to be that the films failed because they starred women—not that the films failed because they were flawed in other ways. 

The truth is that plenty of female-helmed films have been box office hits in the past few years—think Alice in Wonderland, Bridesmaids, and Brave—but those successes have been largely attributed to other things. Alice in Wonderland was a success because of Tim Burton and Johnny Depp, not newcomer Mia Wasikowska; Bridesmaids had the influence of Judd Apatow to thank for helping it find its audience. Brave was a Pixar film, widely considered “disappointing” because in the wake of the studio firing its female director halfway through production, it received a slightly lower critical valuation than Pixar’s long line of boy-centered classics. And the same kinds of criticisms swirled around Bigelow’s Oscar win, with many people speculating she only won as a kind of passive-aggressive Hollywood backlash against her famous ex-husband, James Cameron, who was also nominated the same year. 

And it’s not just women who suffer from the Exclusion Myth. Hollywood also thinks white audiences won’t see films about black characters, at least not unless Will Smith is in them. Last year’s Sundance winner, Ava Duvernay, made history by becoming the first African-American woman to win the award; yet her film was upstaged by the far more optimistic Beasts of the Southern Wild, which achieved an Oscar nod in her stead. 

As Salon opined, “Will whites see a black indie film like Middle of Nowhere?” it appeared that Hollywood was stuck playing out the same Exclusion Myth—this time pitting black directors and actors against indifferent white audiences. Nevermind that Halle Berry’s thriller The Call scored a cool $70 million on a small budget earlier this year, or that TV audiences have flocked to the unapologetic diversity of Sleepy Hollow, making it one of this fall’s highest-rated hits and the first new show to secure a renewal.

Then there was the notoriously disingenuous movie poster for Tom Ford’s acclaimed film debut A Single Man. No one looking at the poster, which shows Colin Firth and actress Julianne Moore pillowed next to each other, would have thought they were in for a heartbreaking gay love story. But—you guessed it—straight audiences won’t go see films about queer characters. Brokeback Mountain was just an exception, surely, as is this current breakaway hit featuring a queer character and his POC boyfriend.

But perhaps the real lie of the Exclusion Myth, in the age when anyone can film a movie on a smartphone and upload it to the Web, is that the Exclusion actually keeps marginalized women and other minorities from creating their own narratives. As actress Michelle Rodriguez said this summer at Comic-Con’s “Women who Rock” panel—one in which a stellar panel of successful actresses were booed and heckled by the mostly male audience for “talking too much”—if women can’t find ways into the established structure of Hollywood, it won’t be long before they start doing things on their own:

"We gotta start writing," she said again. She meant women. "Writing, and directing, and producing the kind of content we want to see. Because otherwise, nothing's gonna change."

The reluctance of women to play in a system that routinely marginalizes them may be why fully half of the independent directors at this year’s Sundance festival were women. More and more, filmmakers and creators tired of being marginalized are working outside of the Hollywood system to fund their art. But the NY Film Academy notes that despite the abundance of female directors at the festival, most of them struggled to get wider release. 

Ultimately, the Hollywood Exclusion myth hasn’t kept these creators and their diverse characters from finding audiences that desperately want to support and hear their stories.

All it’s doing is keeping their wider, equally desperate audience from being able to find them.

Photo via senshistock/deviantART

Festivus, a Google trick for the rest of us

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Google performs many feats of strength on a daily basis, providing us with content and knowledge and doodles and lots of stuff to be grateful for. Today, however, there’s something special: If you type “Festivus” into the search engine, results include a gray bar along the side of your screen—the aluminum Festivus pole digitally rendered!

Philistines unfamiliar with this special day may ask, why such austerity? “I find tinsel distracting,” explains Frank Costanza, the holiday’s Seinfeldian creator.

(Festivus is traditionally celebrated on Dec. 23, but let’s not stand on principle.)

“At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around,” Costanza explains, “and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year.”

Festivus is the Internet’s holiday. It’s our heritage. It’s part of who we are. Air your grievances in the comments.

Photo via Sony Pictures | H/T Search Engine Land

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